The assumptions made about oneself in childhood have a huge influence in adult life. Undoing these assumptions requires a deep dive into the past. You will most likely discover more abundance possible than what you see in your current life. Have you experienced an epiphany as a result of uncovering an outmoded belief about yourself?
I have found that my anxiety has been in large part caused by my inner most feelings, call it my soul, higher self, or inner child, being in conflict with the made-up person I created as a child. It is as if my inner self is crying out to be acknowledged; rattling the bars of an imaginary cage, banging on the walls of my nervous system.
Fear of change
Confronting this outer scaffolding can be scary. Those around me, family in particular, are invested in this self-made persona. They try hard to maintain the status quo. Relationships may be lost or severely affected by my living a more authentic life. It is why this avatar was created in the first place. It allowed me to pass as something “acceptable.”
A matter of survival
Like many people, I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Internalizing this false self ensured my wellbeing. Although, my life was never directly threatened, the unhappiness and chaos in the home caused me to experience bouts of depression especially as a teenager. Going along with the “program” was a way to survive until I was old enough to get out of the house.
The impact on art
I have always easily connected with dark, sad and intensely emotional music. These feelings were very familiar to me. Expressing intense emotions in one’s music and art is a way to give these feelings an outlet and meaning. As a young person, music was my safe harbor. I could escape into a world of my own design.
The past and present
It isn’t possible to change bad things that happened in the past. However, it is possible to shed new light on those experiences. I am constantly inspired in my present life by my endurance and resilience as a child. I now know that I made the best possible decisions considering the circumstances when I was growing up.
A brave new world
Releasing the past makes a brighter present and future possible. The removal of the superficial, self-imposed framework of the past and its success vs. failure rubric is a great relief. Anxiety lessens and the door for more passion opens. Even though I cannot change those around me, I have compassion for them.
Who you are is the grand sum total of your inner self and all you have been through in life. You will find fertile artistic territory in your subterranean landscape. Your anxiety and depression is there for a reason. It is pointing an arrow to your authentic self. Meanwhile, your soulful music is impactful and healing.
How has playing music been healing in your life and how has it been healing in the lives of your audience members? Please share your experiences in the comments.
The Inspiration for Violinists card deck
This “bedrock of your creativity” card is part of a 50 card deck. Every card has a unique image and text inspiring musicianship, mindfulness and spirituality.